Hello Emily, my name is Abe Stamper, I am 16 years old and as you already know i attend Roosevelt high school. Things I enjoy to do in my free time include competitive swimming, water polo, playing baseball, and ultimate frisbee. From the items above you can tell I am not a very stagnant person but I do enjoy spending time with my friends and just hanging out. I also host my own radio show on central campuses station KDPS and write for the school newspaper.
My daily schedule is quite hectic and very hard to keep up with on a daily basis, but I do my best. My academics are very important to me, although my first two years of high school were a little shaky I am back for redemption. I am looking to possibly go into an engineering field, but am not set on anything quite. Due to my parents decision, I am going to attend a catholic university. This truly narrows down my choices, but there are quite a few to choose from. Only time will tell My decision of where I plan to attend. I look forward to meeting you and learning quite a lot this semester. Thank you so much for this opportunity and I will not let you down.
Sincerly,
Abe Stamper
Personal Reflection on Topic of Inquiry(posted RHS January 27 -- 171 January 29) I think the time in my life that I truly changed my philosophy and what I stood for would have to be the transition between middle and high school. No longer was I a power hungry 8th grader on the top of the world for whom no one could take down. I was now back to square one, a new beginning in a whole new melting pot of students. Some of who I had gone to school with before, but most of who with I was given with a clean slate. It was my time to leave an impact on my fellow classmates and the way I would like them portray me for the next 4 years. Looking back on the situation, I don't know if I would the approached the situation the same way. In hindsight, academics were the least of my worries freshman year, thinking "Oh, don't worry,grades are the least of my problems." That is, until I reached sophomore year and began to watch my peers as both their GPA's and extracurricular activities continued to rise while I sat and watched. At that point, I said enough was enough. No longer was I willing to sit and watch as my friends got all of the attention . So I began to join clubs, and participate in different sports than the ones I had partook in for my whole life. It was a success! I, like my peers, was now progressing forward in my last years of high school. I began to improve my grades and expand my horizons to all new crowds of people. Some of whom I get along with quite well. Which brings me to my question. At what point in your life did you truly strive to be the best you can be at everything you do?
Abe,
So, what you are saying is that when you were given a fresh start in your academic career, you faltered for a little bit and were not quite as academically successful as involved in extracurricular activities as your peers. Then you reached a point where you decided to apply yourself more and become more involved. I like the work you’ve done here in addressing the situation in chronological order and explaining the chronology of change in your life by looking back and commenting on your past. It is an effective way to tell the story. Your word choice and phrasing is effective such as ‘it was my time’ and ‘enough was enough’. It is compact and gets the message across. In other areas, though, I found myself asking questions and wanting a little bit more detail. Some of your word choice jumps out at me and really makes me as a reader want more detail about your thoughts as the writer. For instance, when you say ‘it was my time to leave an impact’ I all of a sudden want to know what kind of impact you want to leave or how you want students to ‘portray’ you. Why were academics ‘the least of your worries freshmen year’? What kinds of things did you worry about instead? How did you reach the point where ‘enough was enough’? What did that point feel like? How was joining all kinds of new activities a ‘success’ for you? All these are questions I had as I read through the writing. I like the power of your ending question and its application to most everyone. As a side note, I suggest you read through the piece and look for repetitions of words, which is easy for any writer to accidentally do as they write. If you recognize that you repeat words you can try to keep that in mind when you write again. This piece is a great start to the semester and I look forward to reading your writing. Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have about my comments!
Sincerely,
Emily
Rough Draft Definition (posted RHS February 3 -- 171 February 5)
Expectations Definition Essay
A degree of probability or expectation is how an instance is thought to occur. Expectations are something one is held to and not to be led astray from, whether that be ones cultural beliefs and values, behaviors, or future occupation. Usually held by influential members of ones life, expectations are set and rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error in those lives for whom expectations are being set.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate. Despite popular sovereignty, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit them well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside these institutions or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning. Despite their request to forgo, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only wants the “best” for their child.
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto a one continues to progress forward. Whether or not they continue to believe in what they are practicing in their religion or daily lives. These practices have been held for generations and do not always change with the times. Leaving dated customs to be practiced by those who all but go against what much of what they have to say.
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment. So to avoid such an act, one would obey the commands of those in power. Leaving many with very little say in the treatment of their everyday lives.
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, their is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To due what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Abe,
First, I want to give you my generalizations about the paper. I will make some statements that I took away from the writing, just summarizing your points, then you can see if that is what you meant to say:
Expectations are set by those who are in charge. They hold those standards to others and do not expect errors. Parents expect or even force their kids to go to college even if it is not for them. Religious practices/cultural beliefs are expected to be performed. Some people perform them even if they don’t care or believe. If people don’t respect authority figures, they will be punished for not following the behavior expectations. People don’t have to follow expectations but they should be just. That is all that matters.
I made the following comments as reactions to the text as a regular reader so that you can work out those reactions for yourself. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to respond back to this message.
Your first sentence is a bit confusing to me as the reader. I don’t know exactly what you mean by ‘instance’. When you say cultural beliefs and values, behaviors, or future occupations do you mean that expectations for people are based on these things? Why is that important? How do those expectations affect people?
Is the paper supposed to be very formal? As I read this, I feel the writer is very distanced from me, I think from the formal language of the essay. What purpose does the formality serve?
As you make the point about secondary education, as I reader I’m wanting more detail or emotion from the writer. Using the word ‘sovereignty’ threw me for a loop, just because it was unexpected and distracted me for a moment. Why higher education or graduate programs a good example? How does this expectation affect people?
What exactly do you mean by ‘progress forward’? What do you see as cultural beliefs/expectations/practices? As a reader, I find this section vague and I’m wanting more explanation. Is there significance that people perform customs they don’t agree with just because they’re expected to?
In the paragraph starting with ‘behavior’ you use the word ‘you’ for the first and only time in the entire paper. As soon as I read this, I realized it was the first and only time you had used it thus far, opting instead for ‘one’ or ‘we’ when referring to people. What ‘standards’ are you referring to? What kind of treatment are you alluding to? I was unsure. This was my automatic response as I read that last sentence in the paragraph; I want to know more about what you are thinking.
The ending left me feeling like I had a powerful take-away point. I detect your voice in that paragraph and it had a good flow as I read it. Check that paragraph, you used the wrong form of 2 words. If you can’t find them let me know and I’ll tell you what they are. What does it mean for someone to act justly? What does this mean when thinking about expectations?
I know I wrote a lot of questions but I feel like thinking them through might help you better than me just making a bunch of editorial comments. I like the work you are doing with laying down what kinds of expectations society has for people and provided examples of those expectations. If you would prefer my comments inside the writing, let me know!
Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Emily
Revision Definition (posted RHS February 10 -- 171 February 12 )
Expectations Definition Revision
A degree of probability or expectation is how an event is meant to occur. Expectations are something set in stone and not to be led astray from. Whether that be someones religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood. Usually held by parent figures or those in charge, expectations rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error, if a mishap would to occur, they can expect punishment for their wrongdoings. Leaving many behind in the process.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate. Their careers and lives planned out for them before they even reach their senior year of college. Despite popular opinion, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit them well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside of these institutions or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning. Despite their request to forgo, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only wants the “best” for their child. Pushing them behind in their pursuit of "success" and the american dream.
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto as you continue to progress forward thorough adolescence and beyond. Whether or not you continue to believe in what they are practicing in their religion or daily lives. Many of these traditions have been held on to for generations and do not always change with the times. For example, the catholic church and the use of contraception. With the birth rate on the rise as well as teen pregnancies, many people are leaning toward birth control. What are you to do in your religion if any prevention of child birth is taboo? Examples like these leave dated customs to be practiced by those who all but go against much of what they have to say.
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. Whether that be in a school setting, or a work place. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment of some sort. So to avoid such an act, you would obey the commands of those in power. Leaving many with very little say in the treatment of their everyday lives.
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, there is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To do what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Emily's Comments, 02/12/12
Abe, The changes you made to this draft add more examples and specifications. As a reader, it was easier for me to know exactly what you meant. By illustrating the outdated expectations of the Catholic Church, you helped me to understand what kinds of institutions and traditions you had in mind as you explore and think about expectations. Providing an example like that in the area of behavior might help readers to know more precisely what you are thinking. Keeping it less specific is effective in allowing the reader to apply their own ideas to the broader subject you are talking about, though.
Many of the questions I asked in the draft are clarifying questions; they ask for more information so the reader can better understand exactly what you are trying to say. As you have nailed down the main points, I tried to ask you more precise questions this time.
I would suggest reading the paper aloud to try to catch any grammar mistakes and unintentional incomplete sentences/fragments.
Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing you at Drake! Sincerely, Emily
Expectations Definition Revision
A degree of probability or expectation is how an event is meant to occur. Expectations are something set in stone and not to be led astray from. Whether that be someones religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood. Usually held by parent figures or those in charge, expectations rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error, if a mishap would to occur, they can expect punishment for their wrongdoings. Leaving many behind in the process.
During this paragraph, as a reader, I am drawn in by the way you set up the subject with giving a couple broad examples of what you are going to discuss in the paper (religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood). The looming punishment makes me curious as to what the consequences are for someone who does not meet expectations. As I read, I felt like the way you ended the paragraph with a short fragment added drama and suspense.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate. I paused here because for a second because I was confused if this next sentence was supposed to be a part of the preceding sentence or if it was missing a verb (are planned ). If you were looking to create a pause or mimic the earlier fragment, then it was achieved! Their careers and lives planned out for them before they even reach their senior year of college. Despite popular opinion, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit them well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside of these institutions or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning. Again, I paused after the fragment. I think creating this pause can be effective (like in the first paragraph). As a reader, the stylistic effect is lost to me when there are so many close together. Despite their request to forgo, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only wants the “best” for their child. Pushing them behind in their Who do you mean when you say ‘their’? pursuit of "success" and the american dream. What do you mean by American Dream in this context? What is the American Dream?
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto as you continue to progress forward thorough adolescence and beyond. Whether or not you continue to believe in what they Who is ‘they’? are practicing in their religion or daily lives. Many of these traditions have been held on to for generations and do not always change with the times. For example, the catholic church and the use of contraception. Here, as a reader I am looking for more information. I am not really familiar with the catholic church. What exactly are you talking about? With the birth rate on the rise as well as teen pregnancies, Are you just noting teen pregnancies? Or are they also on the rise? Just a little confused here. many people are leaning toward birth control. What are you to do in your religion if any prevention of child birth is taboo? Examples like these leave dated customs to be practiced by those who all but go against much of what they have to say. Why do people still practice them even if the expectations go against what they believe?
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. Whether that be in a school setting, or a work place. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment of some sort. What kinds of punishments? So to avoid such an act, you would obey the commands of those in power. What exactly leaves many with very little say? (talking about the next sentence) Leaving many with very little say in the treatment of their everyday lives. Where is there room for change in the behavior expectations from the powerful people in our lives?
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, there is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To do what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Final Definition (posted RHS February 17 -- 171 February 19 )
Expectations Definition Revision
A degree of probability or expectation is how an event is meant to occur. Expectations are something set in stone and not to be led astray from. Whether that be someones religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood. Usually held by parent figures or those in charge, expectations rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error, if a mishap would to occur, they can expect punishment for their wrongdoings. Leaving many behind in the process.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate, with their careers and lives planned out for them before they even reach their senior year of college. Despite popular opinion, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside of these institutions, or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning in such an institution.Despite their request to forgo the endeavor, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only wants the “best” for their child. Pushing the victim of sorts behind in their in pursuit of "success" and the american dreamof white picket fences and settling down with a family.
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto as you continue to progress forward thorough adolescence and beyond. Whether or not you continue to believe in what the are practicing in their religion or daily lives. Many of these traditions have been held on to for generations and do not always change with the times. For example, the catholic church and the use of contraception. Intercourse, in the eyes of Catholicism is sacred and a symbol for the bearing of a child. Therefore the prevention of birth is a sin, or against the churches ideals. With the birth rate on the rise and intercourse turning less and less meaningful, many people are leaning toward birth control. What are you to do in your religion if any prevention of child birth is taboo? If you are a "true" catholic, you would abstain from premarital sex.Examples like these leave dated customs to be practiced by those who want to meet the expectations set but go against much of what they have to say.
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. Whether that be in a school setting, or a work place. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment of some sort,whether monetary or physical. So to avoid such an act, you would obey the commands of those in power. Leaving many with very little to convey in the treatment of their everyday lives. If a understanding of sorts where met between the situation, than any conflict or punishment could be avoided entirely. Changing the situation all together.
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, there is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To do what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Expectations Definition Revision
A degree of probability or expectation is how an event is meant to occur. Expectations are something set in stone and not to be led astray from. Whether that be someones religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood. Usually held by parent figures or those in charge, expectations rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error, if a mishap would occur, they can expect punishment for their wrongdoings. Leaving many behind in the process.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate, with their careers and lives planned out for them before they even reach their senior year of college. Despite popular opinion, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside of these institutions, or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning in such an institution.Despite need a space their request to forgo the endeavor, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only wants the “best” for their child. Pushing the victim of sorts behind in their in pursuit of "success" and the american dream of white picket fences and settling down with a family. This paragraph seems to flow a lot better now that you connected the fragments to sentences and I liked the detail you added! Great work!
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto as you continue to progress forward thorough adolescence and beyond. Whether or not you continue to believe in what they who is they? Parents? Family? People in charge? The church? are practicing in their religion or daily lives. Many of these traditions have been held on to for generations and do not always change with the times. For example, the catholic church and the use of contraception consider expanding this sentence just so the reader knows what you are jumping into. “For example, the catholic church (state their stance) use of contraception.” Or something like that. Currently it is a fragment that might cause readers to pause and wonder what it is doing there. Intercourse, in the eyes of Catholicism is sacred and a symbol for the bearing of a child. Therefore the prevention of birth is a sin, or against the churches ideals. With the birth rate on the rise and intercourse turning less and less meaningful, many people are leaning toward birth control. What are you to do in your religion if any prevention of child birth is taboo? If you are a "true" catholic, you would abstain from premarital sex.Examplesneed a space there! like these leave dated customs to be practiced by those who want to meet the expectations set but go against much of what they the traditions? The church? have to say. You did a great job of adding detail about the issue so it is really clear to reader exactly what you are talking about.
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. Whether that be in a school setting, or a work place. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment of some sort,whether need a space! monetary or physical. So to avoid such an act, you would obey the commands of those in power. Leaving many with very little to convey do you mean convey? As in to carry or to bring? in the treatment of their everyday lives. (are you talking about students? Employees? Children? I still am not quite sure what you mean here and adding a more concrete example, like you have in the first two paragraphs, would strengthen this particular point) If a understanding of sorts where met between the situation, than any conflict or punishment could be avoided entirely. What kind of understanding? Between who exactly? How could these two people come together to make change? Changing the situation all together.
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, there is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To do what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Abe, First, I want to acknowledge the work you have done over the course of these last couple of weeks. Go back and look at your first draft and compare it to this one! You’ve already grown as a writer in how you are able to explain and formulate an argument. Thank you so much for posting on time and being willing to do work on this piece. It has made my part of our partnership a lot of fun and helped me learn about how to respond as a reader. I just had some final polishing comments, again trying to bring out a little more detail. I would encourage you to read your last draft aloud (and semi-slowly) to yourself to catch those pesky little word misuses, forgot a letter, need a space type mistakes. I focused on what you are trying to say more than grammar. Great work on this first essay! As always, comment if you have any questions. Sincerely, Emily
Final Expectations Definition Essay
A degree of probability or expectation is how an event is meant to occur. Expectations are something set in stone and not to be led astray from. Whether that be someones religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood. Usually held by parent figures or those in charge, expectations rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error, if a mishap would occur, they can expect punishment for their wrongdoings. Leaving many behind in the process.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate,
with their careers and lives planned out for them before they even reach their senior year of college. Despite popular opinion, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside of these institutions, or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning in such an institution. Despite their request to forgo the endeavor, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only want the “best” for their child. Pushing the victim of sorts behind in their in pursuit of "success" and the American dream of white picket fences and settling down with a family.
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto as you continue to progress forward thorough adolescence and beyond. Whether or not you continue to believe in what the people of the church are practicing in their religion and daily lives. Many of these traditions have been held on to for generations and do not always change with the times. For example, the catholic church and their stance against the use of contraception. Intercourse, in the eyes of Catholicism is sacred and a symbol for the bearing of a child. Therefore the prevention of birth is a sin, or against the churches ideals. With the birth rate on the rise and intercourse turning less and less meaningful, many people are leaning toward birth control. What are you to do in your religion if any prevention of child birth is taboo? If you are a "true" catholic, you would abstain from premarital sex. Examples like these leave dated customs to be practiced by those who want to meet the expectations set but go against much of what the parishioner has to say.
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. Whether that be in a school setting, or a work place. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment of some sort,whether it be monetary or physical. So to avoid such an act, you would obey the commands of those in power. Leaving employees, students and children alike with very little to know in the treatment of their everyday lives.For example, adults in the workplace are expected to possess a certain skill set. One in which would qualify his or her for the specified position. If one does not carry such an education or ability, then they may be fired or taken away from consideration for the job opportunity. Removing prospective employees high and dry for not fitting their idealistic criteria.
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, there is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To do what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Reflection #1 (posted RHS February 20 -- 171 February 22) The process in which we went from rough draft to finished product really helped me further the piece as a whole. I agree! I enjoyed reading your writing each time you revised as there was always a little more content and explanations (like the Catholicism example you detailed). I was just use to throwing together a hap hazard rough draft, making a few slight adjustments and turning it in. Now I feel as though I have a polished essay in which I am proud of. I hope we continue this form for the rest of the semester. In my expectations essay, I used quite a few allusions, which both help and hurt the writing. It helps by bringing evidence that backs the thesis and does not overwhelm the reader, but it hurts the reader because they don't get the full meaning in which the evidence is portraying. I also show the different connotations of expectations and how they pertain to ones everyday life. Lastly, I displayed a motif of pressures that are caused by expectations. These push the victim to their boiling points until they eventually blow. All of which is used to give an extended definition for expectations. Abe, I am glad you seem to see the value in the process of revision and fine-tuning! Can't wait to start on that next essay!
Rough Draft Comparison (posted RHS February 24 -- 171 February 26 ) Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure is an option. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goals. Leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence.
The blunders in life are what we learn from. These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be. Isn't that life's true expectation? Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace. They look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth. A goal we can all hope to attain.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage. Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit.
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person sees hundred of times in their lifetime, but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Expectations are always able to be surpassed by those willing to work for it. If only you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits.
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure is an option. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome. First you are saying failure is an option but then you say it is inevitable. Is failure something that happens to people? Or do people create their own failure? What is your definition of failure in this context? Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goals. How do expectations and failure each uniquely lead people down their path? Leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. Have you experienced failure? How did it affect your life and your expectations for yourself? Would your experience add anything to this point or help the reader understand what you are saying? For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence. What do you mean by ‘you live to reach the peak existence’? What is the peak existence? How do you reach it?
The blunders in life are what we learn from. These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be. How have you used a past failure to teach you? How has it shaped the way you make decisions? Isn't that life's true expectation? Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace. What exactly is the inner peace you are talking about? Being the best you can be? They look past the negative aspects (are you talking about failures here?) of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth. A goal we can all hope to attain.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. How? How does one move from failure to success? What does that look like in life? Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage. What do define as success? Why do you see Steve Jobs career as a success? Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit. How does the motivation behind your goals (betterment of the world), make things limitless (the sky is the limit)? What if people’s goals/expectations for themselves are selfish? Does that change their chance of success?
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person sees hundred of times in their lifetime, but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Expectations are always able to be surpassed by those willing to work for it. If only you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits. The sentence “Expectations are always able to be surpassed by those willing to work for it.” Seems like a really powerful summary of you paper because it speaks about expectations but pushes beyond what your paper talks about and brings in the idea of persevering through failures and surpassing expectations. This ending works for me as a reader because it sums up the whole paper and drives it a little bit beyond your main point with the idea of going beyond expectations.
Abe, You seem to be talking about expectations and failures and as a result, success gets in the mix. This makes sense to me as I read because the direct opposite of failure is success but not meeting expectations is considered failure. I think the framework you have laid down so far is a good one because you have your arguments set up: Paragraph 1. introduce failure 2. failure happens when you are working towards expectations 3. failure teaches you 4. failure does not mean that expectations won’t be achieved 5. perseverance is behind both meeting expectations and failures
I would encourage you to make sure your points in your second and third paragraphs are distinct from each other. As you continue revising and revisiting, I think they will become more distinct and will morph into two really different points. As it stands, they seem a little similar.
You have a great start to the paper. Continue to work as you did on your last paper and this will be polished in no time! As always, if you have any questions, post them! Sincerely, Emily
Revision Comparison (posted RHS March 2 -- 171 March 4)
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure can be averted. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome. It is something that one places on themselves. Whether they gave up all together, or were not able to meet the standard. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goal. Pushing our boundaries past our personal limits and leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence. In my daily life, failure is something that happens quite regularly, but nonetheless it helps me to learn and correct reoccurring mistakes. When my mistakes and failure push me farther than ever though possible, my peak existence is reached.
The blunders in life are what we learn from.These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be. My mistakes are only stepping stones for future success and self reliance. Isn't that life's true expectation? Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace.This self fulfillment is the point in one's life where the impact of their life's work is truly felt. They look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth. A goal we can all hope to attain.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. These milestones push you even farther in the pursuit of your dreams. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage.Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit.No longer do we live in a society who looks to benefit others rather than themselves. These are the true success stories, about the people who go beyond the call of duty to help people they may not even know. Whether or not they receive anything in return.
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person sees hundred of times in their lifetime,but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits. Expectations are always able to be surpassed by those willing to work for it.
Emily's Comments Below!
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure can be averted. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome. It is something that one places on themselves. Whether they gave up all together, or were not able to meet the standard. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goal. Pushing our boundaries past our personal limits and leading each of us down our path towards future successes. In response to your second sentence: an outcome of what? I want to point out to you that there are several fragments/incomplete sentences in this paragraph. By joining them together, the paragraph might flow better for the reader. It seemed a bit choppy as I read through.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence. In my daily life, failure is something that happens quite regularly, but nonetheless it helps me to learn and correct reoccurring mistakes. When my mistakes and failure push me farther than ever thought possible, my peak existence is reached. The rollercoaster analogy helped me understand what you mean by ‘peak existence’ a little more. When is a specific moment you have reached your ‘peak existence’? Telling/explaining that instance or moment might help the reader fully understand what you mean by it. For example, a peak existence, if we are talking rollercoasters, might be the place of calm before the storm. It might be the thrill of the pause before life really challenges you. I’m not sure if you are meaning it to be a peaceful place or an anxious one or one that is highly anticipated.
The blunders in life are what we learn from.These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be. My mistakes are only stepping stones for future success and self reliance. Isn't that life's true expectation? Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace.This self fulfillment is the point in one's life where the impact of their life's work is truly felt. They look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth. A goal we can all hope to attain. In relation to drug addicts, what is ‘the best they can be’? Do all recovering addicts find this? When you say, ‘Isn’t that life’s true expectation?’ are you referring to learning from mistakes and using them as stepping stones to success? I like the line ‘the impact of their life’s work is truly felt’- this seems to sum up what you are saying about how failures are just stops on the road to success or fulfilling expectations. I would stress that statement even more than you already do.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. These milestones push you even farther in the pursuit of your dreams. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage.Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit. No longer do we live in a society who looks to benefit others rather than themselves. These are the true success stories, about the people who go beyond the call of duty to help people they may not even know. Whether or not they receive anything in return. When you say ‘no longer do we live in a society who looks to benefit others rather than themselves’ I am a bit confused. How does this fit in with expectations and failures? It seems a little bit random. Is that how you are defining going beyond expectations? How did Steve Jobs go beyond the call of duty to help others? Why don’t you categorize him as just another millionaire? How do you see him as more successful than any other well-off business man?
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person sees hundred of times in their lifetime,but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits. Expectations are always able to be surpassed by those willing to work for it The paper seems to come to a screeching halt because the conclusion is so short. Think about expanding your points a little bit or summarizing what you have said just to change the pacing of the paper. Think about answering these questions as a possibility: What are the expectations for your life? How do you define success/failure for your life specifically? When was a time you failed and how did you learn from it to find success? Answering these personal questions somewhere in your paper might help the reader to get a better idea of where you are coming from and aid them in understanding your main points overall. By personalizing the paper a little bit more, you would help the reader connect to the paper more through real life examples so that they might think about their own experiences with expectations and failures.
As always, if you have any questions, please post them!
Final Comparison (posted RHS March 9 -- 171 March 11)
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure can be averted. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome in many of life's decisions. It is something that one places on themselves, whether they gave up all together, or were not able to meet the standard. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goal. Pushing our boundaries past our personal limits and leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence. That accomplishment that defines you for the rest of your life. In my daily life, failure is something that happens quite regularly, but nonetheless it helps me to learn and correct reoccurring mistakes. When my mistakes and failure push me farther than ever thought possible, my peak existence is reached.
The blunders in life are what we learn from.These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be as functioning members of society.My mistakes are only stepping stones for future success and self reliance, life's true expectation. Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace.This self fulfillment is the point in one's life where the impact of their life's work is truly felt. Where all of your achievements truly shine and gives you the feeling of accomplishment everyone longs for.They look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth, a goal we can all hope to attain.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. These milestones push you even farther in the pursuit of your dreams. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage.Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit.These are the true success stories, about the people who go above and beyond the call of duty to help benefit society in a way no one every has. Whether or not they receive anything in return.
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person experinces hundred of times in their life,but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits. Although my upbringing gave me a lot of oppurtunities, some people are not so lucky. They have to work twice as hard to overcome their daily obstacles, and assumptions that they hard held to.Despite all odds they are able to be surpass expectations because they are willing to work for it.
Abe- Because we haven't been able to conference and discuss your writing, I've tried to make up for that using recording software. If you click on this link it will take you to a video of your writing as the screen and my voice walking you through some points. I would appreciate it if you would watch it. It is approx 5 mins long. Here is the link! http://screencast.com/t/S0soaWybesYi
Below are my final comments! If you have questions, please write back!
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure can be averted. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome in many of life's decisions. It is something that one places on themselves, whether they gave up all together, or were not able to meet the standard. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goal. Pushing our boundaries past our personal limits and leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
What pushes our boundaries past personal limits?
There is no subject of that sentence so adding one will really help the reader clearly understand what you are talking about.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence. Connect these two sentences for better flow and to make the ideas go together- show that you mean the second sentence to define peak existence. That accomplishment that defines you for the rest of your life. In my daily life, failure is something that happens quite regularly, but nonetheless it helps me to learn and correct reoccurring mistakes. When my mistakes and failure push me farther than ever thought possible, my peak existence is reached.
What is the peak existence you are trying to reach? Or have you already?
What reoccurring mistakes are you referring to?
The blunders in life are what we learn from.These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be as functioning members of society.My mistakes are only stepping stones for future success and self reliance, life's true expectation. Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace.This self fulfillment is the point in one's life where the impact of their life's work is truly felt. Connect these two sentences to make the ideas go together and flow better so the reader knows that you are describing self fulfillment- otherwise the second sentence does not have a subject. Where all of your achievements truly shine and gives you the feeling of accomplishment everyone longs for.They look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth, a goal we can all hope to attain. Who is ‘they’? I am confused here.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. These milestones push you even farther in the pursuit of your dreams. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage.Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit.These are the true success stories, about the people who go above and beyond the call of duty to help benefit society in a way no one every has. Whether or not they receive anything in return. What does receiving stuff in return have to do with your claim that even though people fail, they can find success?
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person experinces hundred of times in their life,but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits. Although my upbringing gave me a lot of oppurtunities, some people are not so lucky. They have to work twice as hard to overcome their daily obstacles, and assumptions that they hard held to.Despite all odds they are able to be surpass expectations because they are willing to work for it. Who is the ‘they’ you are talking about here?
It is confusing to me because you switch from ‘you’ to ‘they’ in this paragraph. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘and assumptions that they hard held to.” Think about saying that in a different way or using an example to explain what you are trying to communicate to be more clear.
“Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits.” This sentence is a fragment because it is a prepositional phrase; it seems to be leading into something, like “. . . and continue to push the limits, will you find success.”
Abe,
As you finish this paper, I want you to think about writing fluently- writing in the same way you speak. Read the paper aloud to yourself and make sure to pause at the periods. You have a tendency to put periods where there should be commas which creates fragments. The fragments make the paper more difficult to understand because it separates ideas you meant to be connected and leaves the reader confused. This is something you can continue to work on and improve upon in order to prepare for the AP examination.
As you finish, think about this important overall point:
What examples can you share from you own experience to connect yourself to the ideas you discuss in order to build trust with the reader so they believe that you know what you are talking about?
Sincerely,
Emily
Emily,
I apologize for missing the last couple of meetings. I take my last two periods at Central Campus so it is hard to find a ride back in time to get to Drake. I will try my best to make them in the future and look forward to furthering my writing.
Thanks,
Abe
Final Expectations and Failure Comparison Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure can be averted. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome in many of life's decisions. It is something that one places on themselves, whether they gave up all together, or were not able to meet the standard. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goals. Expectations help to push our boundaries past our personal limits and leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day, whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence, that accomplishment that defines you for the rest of your life. In my daily life, failure is something that happens quite regularly, but nonetheless it helps me to learn and correct reoccurring mistakes. For example, my swimming career here at Roosevelt. Although my skills may be lackluster compared to my state champion teammate, it helps to push me to drop time and work harder. Like Coach Teter says “the only person you are racing is yourself, you swim to the best of your ability and that is all I can ask for.” When my mistakes and failure push me farther than ever thought possible, my peak existence is reached.
The blunders in life are what we learn from.These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be as functioning members of society. My mistakes are only stepping stones for future success and self reliance, life's true expectation. Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace.This self fulfillment is the point where the impact of their life's work is truly felt, and all of your achievements truly shine and gives you the feeling of accomplishment everyone longs for. Buddhists look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth, a goal we can all hope to attain.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. These milestones push you even farther in the pursuit of your dreams. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage.Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and was eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking into the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit.These are the true success stories, about the people who go above and beyond the call of duty to help benefit society in a way no one everhas. If you are passionate enough about a certain field, you will push the boundaries farther than you ever thought possible.
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person experiences hundred of times in their life,but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits, will you find success. Although my upbringing gave me a lot of opportunities, some people are not so lucky. Those who may not had it so easy have to work twice as hard to overcome their daily obstacles, and assumptions they are held to.Despite all odds those with past failures are able to be surpass expectations because they are willing to work for it.
Reflection #2 (RHS March 16 -- 171 March 25) This last essay was much different than the first. It forced me to look at opposing topics, which have very little in common, and compare and juxtapose the two ideas. It was quite difficult to begin, but as I got started it became more and more clear. These two ideas have a lot more in common than I thought! At the point this assignment became so much easier for me. I hope that it shows in my progression from rough to final draft.
Rough Draft Argument (posted RHS April 6 -- 171 April 8)
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what they wish to pursue in their future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein,Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after. Inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.
The worst culprit of these expectations set are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers eventually look around at their colleagues who much more successful than him, and decide that he wants his child to be as successful as him. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. Money is the option they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others.
What should be expected is that your child is passionate about, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. Just encourage them to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability.
The opposition of this argument would have to say that if a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. They brought you up as their child, and expect that their expectations are fulfilled no matter what you want. It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how you live your life. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to your parents for their choices of your future.
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push us forward enabling us to achieve our goal, but restraint should be practiced. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often bleak. Leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future.
Abe- This time, I focused more on the structure- mostly sentence structure, rather than ideas/content and overall paper organization. I chose to do this because your ideas and content seem fairly developed and your organization makes a lot of sense. I want you to have the opportunity to refine and hone in on your sentences. That is why after each paragraph, I gave you really specific feedback. Hopefully, you will find this different style of feedback helpful to you.
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what they wish to pursue in their future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein,Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after. Inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.
Abe, I like the ideas you discuss in your first paragraph. 1-parents want what they see as ‘best’ for their child 2- children do not always agree with their parents’ wishes/desires for their future 3-children suffer because their parents are too over-bearing
I think now is the time to focus on sentence structure and present your ideas more clearly. I cannot quite tell who the subject is in your sentences. For example, the underlined sentence- This usually encompasses what they wish to pursue in their future, and whether or not they approveyou are talking about the parents and their children- so using ‘they’ three times in the sentence makes it confusing for me to know who you are referring to with each ‘they’. Also note, your last line is not a complete sentence:Inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.It does not have a subject. I think the implied subject is ‘parent’s but you need to include that somewhere to turn the fragment into a sentence.
The worst culprit of these expectations set are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers eventually look around at their colleagues who much more successful than him, and decide that he wants his child to be as successful as him. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. Money is the option they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others.
Again, strong ideas! Fathers want their children to be successful and for them that means being more successful than they are and making money. Now it is time to sort out the subject and simplify a bit to make the ideas clear and concise, which will strengthen the ideas you have here. Sentence 1: Read your first sentence with the underlined section and without it. The worst culprit of these expectations set are the fathers of the offspring. Which one do you think more clearly communicates the idea? Or should the sentence be rearranged? ‘Culprit’ and ‘offspring’ are some great, strong words you have in this sentence. The sentence just seems a little ‘muddy’ in the middle, to me, and as a reader, I get a bit confused. Sentence 2: Who is the ‘him’ at the end of this sentence? The colleagues? Or the father? Replace ‘him’ with a more specific noun. Sentence 4: Your placement of the word ‘money’ is confusing to me as I read. I am not quite sure why you started the sentence with ‘money’ because it forces you to make ‘money’ the subject and then form a connector ‘is the option’ to parents and their children. Consider revising so that your sentence beings with ‘Parents’so that you can more clearly communicate what you are trying to say.
What should be expected is that your child is passionate about, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. Just encourage them to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability.
This is a really strong statement that refutes the idea that parents should have the power to make kids decisions. It really works well with the overall organization of the paper. One thing I want to point out, in your first sentence you say ‘your child’. This is the first time you use ‘your’. I would advise you to stick with saying ‘parents’ and ‘their’ children, rather than addressing the reader and insinuating that the reader has children, which may not be the case. Also, in this first sentence “What should be expected is that your child is passionate about, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do.” As a reader, I am curious: what should the child be passionate about? Their parents goals? Their own career aspirations? It seems that you are missing the noun that the child is passionate about- their career, their job, their work? In your last sentence: “Just encourage them to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability.” Again, you are speaking directly to the reader- “Just encourage them”. Make sure to stick to one point of view- avoid addressing the reader directly, as you have up until this point.
The opposition of this argument would have to say that if a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. They brought you up as their child, and expect that their expectations are fulfilled no matter what you want. It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how you live your life. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to your parents for their choices of your future.
Abe- again you revert to calling the reader ‘you’ but now the reader is not the parent of children- but the child. This further complicates the problem of how you are addressing the reader. Edit this paragraph so that it more closely matches the way you wrote your first and second paragraphs. Do not use the word ‘you’ to refer to the reader. Sentence 1: I think this sentence would be clearer without the ‘if’. The word makes the reader expect something after the statement ‘if a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished’ but nothing follows. Sentence 2: You use ‘expect that their expectations’ I would encourage you to not use variations of the same basic word twice in a sentence.
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push us forward enabling us to achieve our goal, but restraint should be practiced. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often bleak. Leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future.
Now, you are addressing the reader and yourself by using the word ‘us’. Keep yourself distanced from the paper and do not address the reader as ‘you’. Edit this paragraph to sound more like your first and second paragraphs. i.e.: “Parents’ expectations are to be assumed in order to push children forward enabling them to achieve parents’ goals for them, but restraint should be practice.”
I really like the style you used with your last three lines. Each gets shorter and shorter. The last line is a fragment, but I think in this case, it works with the shortening pattern you have and makes the paper end in a strong and clear statement.
Revision Argument (posted RHS April 13 -- 171 April 15)
Argument 2nd Draft
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what their child wish to pursue in the future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein, Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after, inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.
The worst culprits are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers eventually look around at their colleagues who much more successful than them, and decide that he wants his child to be as successful they are. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. For parents, money is the item they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others.
What should be expected is that the child is passionate about the field they are in, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. The child should be encouraged to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability.
The opposition of this argument would have to say that a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. Being brought up as their child, their expectations should be fulfilled no matter what you want. It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how their child is raised. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to your parents for their choices of your future.
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push forward in order to achieve our goal, but restraint should be practiced. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often bleak. Leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future.
Emily's Reply
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what their child wishes to pursue in the future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein, Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after, inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in. The worst culprits are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers eventually look around at their colleagues who much more successful than them, and decide that he wants his child to be as successful they are. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. For parents, money is the item they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others. Why do parents want their children to not have to worry about money? Why do they put pressure on their children to be successful financially? What should be expected is that the child is passionate about the field they are in, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. The child should be encouraged to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability. Why is it important that a child enjoys their future career? Is enjoyment more important than financial success? Who says? Why? The opposition of this argument would have to say that a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. Being brought up as their child, their expectations should be fulfilled no matter what you(the child) want(s). It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how their child is raised. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to your(the) parents for their choices of your(the child’s) future. In what circumstances should children thank their parents? Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push forward in order to achieve our* goal, but restraint should be practiced. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often bleak. Leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future. * who is 'our'?
Last paragraph:
Sentence #1: You say ‘in order’ twice in this sentence. As a reader, I read it in chunks like this:
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push forward in order to achieve our goal but restraint should be practiced. It is a bit confusing. Think about how you could rephrase the sentence to remove one of you ‘in order’s and be a bit more clear.
Sentence #3: You say ‘the situation is quite often bleak’. Why is it bleak? What kind of future does it mean for the child(what are the implications for the child) if parents apply their own expectations to the child’s life? Why does it lead to the demise of the child’s future? Explain this. Use personal examples to get the point across in a way that readers can connect with.
your paper seems to be about why expectations can be damaging to children- Why are expectations damaging? How are they damaging?
Abe, Firstly, I am very impressed with the way you polished the essay. It reads much more clearly now because of the changes you made to sentence structure. There is a flow in between sentences and phrases that was not there before: “The worst culprits are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers eventually look around at their colleagues who much more successful than them, and decide that he wants his child to be as successful they are.” This particular section is great because you have boiled down your point and said it simply but powerfully- each time there is a ‘him’, ‘them’, ‘his’, ‘their’, I know exactly who you are talking about which make it much easier to read and understand. I think the next logical step for the paper is to work out the ‘you’ and ‘our’ that you use in the ending of the paper and to investigate your topic a bit more, especially at the end. You raise several strong claims at the end; I would encourage you to explore those claims a bit more (I posed some questions to you) to expand what you are saying and leave the reader with a very clear idea of why applying expectations to children can be damaging. This seems to be what the paper is about, but this question is never directly addressed, only talked about in the conclusion. As always, if you have any questions/comments/concerns, write back. Have a great day! Emily
Final Argument (posted RHS April 20 -- 171 April 23) Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what their child wishes to pursue in the future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein, Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after, inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.
The worst culprits are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers glance around at their colleagues who much more successful than them, and decide that he wants his child to replicate the same success. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. For parents, money is the item they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others. Money is an object almost everyone worries about, and more often than not wants more of. If their child has little to worry about in the way of monetary value, they will be able to focus on other more important things at hand.
What should be expected is that the child is passionate about the field they are in, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. The child should be encouraged to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability. Those who are given this freedom to make their own decisions, most often are more successful in their lifetimes.
The opposition of this argument would have to say that a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. Being brought up as their child, their expectations should be fulfilled no matter what the child wants. It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how their child is raised. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to the parents for their choices in their child's future. Obviously it was the parents who handed the child success on silver platter, just like everything else each and every parent gives to their child.
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push forward and achieve a goal, but restraint should be practiced. Freedom must be granted if one is expected to succeed later on in life, their parents are not always going to be there to look over their shoulder. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children, pushing the child to the limits they wished their parents pushed them to. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often dim with no other options for the child to pursue, leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future.
Emily's Edits
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what their child wishes to pursue in the future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein, Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after, inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in. Think about your first sentence. “Quite often parents want the best for their children.” Could you remove words to make your point more quickly and concisely? What exactly do you mean by ‘future’? Career? Job? Or just their future life in general?
The worst culprits are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers glance around at their colleagues who much more successful than them, and decide that he wants his child to replicate the same success. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. For parents, money is the item they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others. Money is an object almost everyone worries about, and more often than not wants more of. If their child has little to worry about in the way of monetary value, they will be able to focus on other more important things at hand. What is the point of your last sentence? Is it saying anything different from the other points you made in the previous sentences? Consider changing ‘monetary value’ to ‘income’ or ‘their bank account’ or just ‘money’. The phrase is a bit cumbersome and does not quite fit.
What should be expected is that the child is passionate about the field they are in, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. The child should be encouraged to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability. Those who are given this freedom to make their own decisions, most often are more successful in their lifetimes. This paragraph is strong because it has a clear main point, there is not excess or confusing language, and you give examples like ‘medical profession’ ‘cartoonist’.
The opposition of this argument would have to say that a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. Being brought up as their child, their expectations should be fulfilled no matter what the child wants. It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how their child is raised. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to the parents for their choices in their child's future. Obviously it was the parents who handed the child success on silver platter, just like everything else each and every parent gives to their child. This paragraph seems unfinished. It just stops. Incorporate your stance in a last sentence or two. Refute the opposition with your claim!
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push forward and achieve a goal, but restraint should be practiced. Freedom must be granted if one is expected to succeed later on in life; their parents are not always going to be there to look over their shoulder. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children, pushing the child to the limits they wished their parents pushed them to. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often dim with no other options for the child to pursue, leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future. “Freedom must be granted if one is expected to succeed later on in life; their parents are not always going to be there to look over their shoulder.” I changed the punctuation in the middle from a comma to a semi colon. The phrases are complete sentences, so the comma was awkward. Because they are full sentences, but are connected, I used a semi colon. This is a judgement call. If you would prefer a period, that is perfectly acceptable. What do you mean by ‘ultimate demise’? It is vague.
Abe, You should be proud of the work you have done. This draft was great because your organization is spot on, you provide examples for the reader, and your sentence structure makes sense. I can tell you worked hard to remove the ‘you’ or ‘we’ or ‘I’ that cropped up in the other draft. This draft is much improved by the constancy. I would love to see the final draft of this paper when it is done! I apologize for the late post and I hope I am in time to help you. As always, post with questions! Emily Reflection #3 (posted RHS April 23) I really appreciate all the work you have done with me this semester! This essay is a very polished piece, something I will gladly turn in as my final product. That would not have occurred if it weren't for your help. I can't wait to see you once more this year, and I hope you have success with all of your endeavors.
Thank you! You should be proud of the work you have done! I think you are walking away with skills like the ability to write a clear and organized paper with precise language and you are able to be persuasive and argumentative. It has been great working with you; I certainly learned a lot through the program that will help me as a teacher. Good luck with the rest of the year!
Hello Emily, my name is Abe Stamper, I am 16 years old and as you already know i attend Roosevelt high school. Things I enjoy to do in my free time include competitive swimming, water polo, playing baseball, and ultimate frisbee. From the items above you can tell I am not a very stagnant person but I do enjoy spending time with my friends and just hanging out. I also host my own radio show on central campuses station KDPS and write for the school newspaper.
My daily schedule is quite hectic and very hard to keep up with on a daily basis, but I do my best. My academics are very important to me, although my first two years of high school were a little shaky I am back for redemption. I am looking to possibly go into an engineering field, but am not set on anything quite. Due to my parents decision, I am going to attend a catholic university. This truly narrows down my choices, but there are quite a few to choose from. Only time will tell My decision of where I plan to attend. I look forward to meeting you and learning quite a lot this semester. Thank you so much for this opportunity and I will not let you down.
Sincerly,
Abe Stamper
Personal Reflection on Topic of Inquiry(posted RHS January 27 -- 171 January 29)
I think the time in my life that I truly changed my philosophy and what I stood for would have to be the transition between middle and high school. No longer was I a power hungry 8th grader on the top of the world for whom no one could take down. I was now back to square one, a new beginning in a whole new melting pot of students. Some of who I had gone to school with before, but most of who with I was given with a clean slate. It was my time to leave an impact on my fellow classmates and the way I would like them portray me for the next 4 years.
Looking back on the situation, I don't know if I would the approached the situation the same way. In hindsight, academics were the least of my worries freshman year, thinking "Oh, don't worry,grades are the least of my problems." That is, until I reached sophomore year and began to watch my peers as both their GPA's and extracurricular activities continued to rise while I sat and watched. At that point, I said enough was enough.
No longer was I willing to sit and watch as my friends got all of the attention . So I began to join clubs, and participate in different sports than the ones I had partook in for my whole life. It was a success! I, like my peers, was now progressing forward in my last years of high school. I began to improve my grades and expand my horizons to all new crowds of people. Some of whom I get along with quite well. Which brings me to my question. At what point in your life did you truly strive to be the best you can be at everything you do?
Abe,
So, what you are saying is that when you were given a fresh start in your academic career, you faltered for a little bit and were not quite as academically successful as involved in extracurricular activities as your peers. Then you reached a point where you decided to apply yourself more and become more involved. I like the work you’ve done here in addressing the situation in chronological order and explaining the chronology of change in your life by looking back and commenting on your past. It is an effective way to tell the story. Your word choice and phrasing is effective such as ‘it was my time’ and ‘enough was enough’. It is compact and gets the message across. In other areas, though, I found myself asking questions and wanting a little bit more detail. Some of your word choice jumps out at me and really makes me as a reader want more detail about your thoughts as the writer. For instance, when you say ‘it was my time to leave an impact’ I all of a sudden want to know what kind of impact you want to leave or how you want students to ‘portray’ you. Why were academics ‘the least of your worries freshmen year’? What kinds of things did you worry about instead? How did you reach the point where ‘enough was enough’? What did that point feel like? How was joining all kinds of new activities a ‘success’ for you? All these are questions I had as I read through the writing. I like the power of your ending question and its application to most everyone. As a side note, I suggest you read through the piece and look for repetitions of words, which is easy for any writer to accidentally do as they write. If you recognize that you repeat words you can try to keep that in mind when you write again. This piece is a great start to the semester and I look forward to reading your writing. Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have about my comments!
Sincerely,
Emily
Rough Draft Definition (posted RHS February 3 -- 171 February 5)
Expectations Definition Essay
A degree of probability or expectation is how an instance is thought to occur. Expectations are something one is held to and not to be led astray from, whether that be ones cultural beliefs and values, behaviors, or future occupation. Usually held by influential members of ones life, expectations are set and rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error in those lives for whom expectations are being set.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate. Despite popular sovereignty, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit them well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside these institutions or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning. Despite their request to forgo, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only wants the “best” for their child.
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto a one continues to progress forward. Whether or not they continue to believe in what they are practicing in their religion or daily lives. These practices have been held for generations and do not always change with the times. Leaving dated customs to be practiced by those who all but go against what much of what they have to say.
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment. So to avoid such an act, one would obey the commands of those in power. Leaving many with very little say in the treatment of their everyday lives.
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, their is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To due what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Sources
- http://voices.washingtonpost.com/onbalance/2008/04/do_parents_have_the_right_to_f_1.html
- http://nces.ed.gov/programs/digest/d96/d96t138.asp
- http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/expectations
- The way children as well as people with disabilities are forced to behave
- The occupation choice I am expected to follow
Abe,
First, I want to give you my generalizations about the paper. I will make some statements that I took away from the writing, just summarizing your points, then you can see if that is what you meant to say:
Expectations are set by those who are in charge. They hold those standards to others and do not expect errors. Parents expect or even force their kids to go to college even if it is not for them. Religious practices/cultural beliefs are expected to be performed. Some people perform them even if they don’t care or believe. If people don’t respect authority figures, they will be punished for not following the behavior expectations. People don’t have to follow expectations but they should be just. That is all that matters.
I made the following comments as reactions to the text as a regular reader so that you can work out those reactions for yourself. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to respond back to this message.
Your first sentence is a bit confusing to me as the reader. I don’t know exactly what you mean by ‘instance’. When you say cultural beliefs and values, behaviors, or future occupations do you mean that expectations for people are based on these things? Why is that important? How do those expectations affect people?
Is the paper supposed to be very formal? As I read this, I feel the writer is very distanced from me, I think from the formal language of the essay. What purpose does the formality serve?
As you make the point about secondary education, as I reader I’m wanting more detail or emotion from the writer. Using the word ‘sovereignty’ threw me for a loop, just because it was unexpected and distracted me for a moment. Why higher education or graduate programs a good example? How does this expectation affect people?
What exactly do you mean by ‘progress forward’? What do you see as cultural beliefs/expectations/practices? As a reader, I find this section vague and I’m wanting more explanation. Is there significance that people perform customs they don’t agree with just because they’re expected to?
In the paragraph starting with ‘behavior’ you use the word ‘you’ for the first and only time in the entire paper. As soon as I read this, I realized it was the first and only time you had used it thus far, opting instead for ‘one’ or ‘we’ when referring to people. What ‘standards’ are you referring to? What kind of treatment are you alluding to? I was unsure. This was my automatic response as I read that last sentence in the paragraph; I want to know more about what you are thinking.
The ending left me feeling like I had a powerful take-away point. I detect your voice in that paragraph and it had a good flow as I read it. Check that paragraph, you used the wrong form of 2 words. If you can’t find them let me know and I’ll tell you what they are. What does it mean for someone to act justly? What does this mean when thinking about expectations?
I know I wrote a lot of questions but I feel like thinking them through might help you better than me just making a bunch of editorial comments. I like the work you are doing with laying down what kinds of expectations society has for people and provided examples of those expectations. If you would prefer my comments inside the writing, let me know!
Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Emily
Revision Definition (posted RHS February 10 --
171 February 12 )
Expectations Definition Revision
A degree of probability or expectation is how an event is meant to occur. Expectations are something set in stone and not to be led astray from. Whether that be someones religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood. Usually held by parent figures or those in charge, expectations rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error, if a mishap would to occur, they can expect punishment for their wrongdoings. Leaving many behind in the process.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate. Their careers and lives planned out for them before they even reach their senior year of college. Despite popular opinion, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit them well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside of these institutions or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning. Despite their request to forgo, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only wants the “best” for their child. Pushing them behind in their pursuit of "success" and the american dream.
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto as you continue to progress forward thorough adolescence and beyond. Whether or not you continue to believe in what they are practicing in their religion or daily lives. Many of these traditions have been held on to for generations and do not always change with the times. For example, the catholic church and the use of contraception. With the birth rate on the rise as well as teen pregnancies, many people are leaning toward birth control. What are you to do in your religion if any prevention of child birth is taboo? Examples like these leave dated customs to be practiced by those who all but go against much of what they have to say.
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. Whether that be in a school setting, or a work place. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment of some sort. So to avoid such an act, you would obey the commands of those in power. Leaving many with very little say in the treatment of their everyday lives.
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, there is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To do what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Emily's Comments, 02/12/12
Abe,
The changes you made to this draft add more examples and specifications. As a reader, it was easier for me to know exactly what you meant. By illustrating the outdated expectations of the Catholic Church, you helped me to understand what kinds of institutions and traditions you had in mind as you explore and think about expectations. Providing an example like that in the area of behavior might help readers to know more precisely what you are thinking. Keeping it less specific is effective in allowing the reader to apply their own ideas to the broader subject you are talking about, though.
Many of the questions I asked in the draft are clarifying questions; they ask for more information so the reader can better understand exactly what you are trying to say. As you have nailed down the main points, I tried to ask you more precise questions this time.
I would suggest reading the paper aloud to try to catch any grammar mistakes and unintentional incomplete sentences/fragments.
Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing you at Drake!
Sincerely,
Emily
Expectations Definition Revision
A degree of probability or expectation is how an event is meant to occur. Expectations are something set in stone and not to be led astray from. Whether that be someones religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood. Usually held by parent figures or those in charge, expectations rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error, if a mishap would to occur, they can expect punishment for their wrongdoings. Leaving many behind in the process.
During this paragraph, as a reader, I am drawn in by the way you set up the subject with giving a couple broad examples of what you are going to discuss in the paper (religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood). The looming punishment makes me curious as to what the consequences are for someone who does not meet expectations. As I read, I felt like the way you ended the paragraph with a short fragment added drama and suspense.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate.
I paused here because for a second because I was confused if this next sentence was supposed to be a part of the preceding sentence or if it was missing a verb (are planned ). If you were looking to create a pause or mimic the earlier fragment, then it was achieved! Their careers and lives planned out for them before they even reach their senior year of college. Despite popular opinion, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit them well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside of these institutions or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning. Again, I paused after the fragment. I think creating this pause can be effective (like in the first paragraph). As a reader, the stylistic effect is lost to me when there are so many close together. Despite their request to forgo, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only wants the “best” for their child. Pushing them behind in their Who do you mean when you say ‘their’? pursuit of "success" and the american dream. What do you mean by American Dream in this context? What is the American Dream?
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto as you continue to progress forward thorough adolescence and beyond. Whether or not you continue to believe in what they Who is ‘they’? are practicing in their religion or daily lives. Many of these traditions have been held on to for generations and do not always change with the times. For example, the catholic church and the use of contraception. Here, as a reader I am looking for more information. I am not really familiar with the catholic church. What exactly are you talking about? With the birth rate on the rise as well as teen pregnancies, Are you just noting teen pregnancies? Or are they also on the rise? Just a little confused here. many people are leaning toward birth control. What are you to do in your religion if any prevention of child birth is taboo? Examples like these leave dated customs to be practiced by those who all but go against much of what they have to say. Why do people still practice them even if the expectations go against what they believe?
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. Whether that be in a school setting, or a work place. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment of some sort. What kinds of punishments? So to avoid such an act, you would obey the commands of those in power. What exactly leaves many with very little say? (talking about the next sentence) Leaving many with very little say in the treatment of their everyday lives.
Where is there room for change in the behavior expectations from the powerful people in our lives?
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, there is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To do what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Final Definition (posted RHS February 17 -- 171 February 19 )
Expectations Definition Revision
A degree of probability or expectation is how an event is meant to occur. Expectations are something set in stone and not to be led astray from. Whether that be someones religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood. Usually held by parent figures or those in charge, expectations rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error, if a mishap would to occur, they can expect punishment for their wrongdoings. Leaving many behind in the process.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate,
with their careers and lives planned out for them before they even reach their senior year of college. Despite popular opinion, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside of these institutions, or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning in such an institution.Despite their request to forgo the endeavor, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only wants the “best” for their child. Pushing the victim of sorts behind in their in pursuit of "success" and the american dreamof white picket fences and settling down with a family.
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto as you continue to progress forward thorough adolescence and beyond. Whether or not you continue to believe in what the are practicing in their religion or daily lives. Many of these traditions have been held on to for generations and do not always change with the times. For example, the catholic church and the use of contraception. Intercourse, in the eyes of Catholicism is sacred and a symbol for the bearing of a child. Therefore the prevention of birth is a sin, or against the churches ideals. With the birth rate on the rise and intercourse turning less and less meaningful, many people are leaning toward birth control. What are you to do in your religion if any prevention of child birth is taboo? If you are a "true" catholic, you would abstain from premarital sex.Examples like these leave dated customs to be practiced by those who want to meet the expectations set but go against much of what they have to say.
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. Whether that be in a school setting, or a work place. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment of some sort,whether monetary or physical. So to avoid such an act, you would obey the commands of those in power. Leaving many with very little to convey in the treatment of their everyday lives. If a understanding of sorts where met between the situation, than any conflict or punishment could be avoided entirely. Changing the situation all together.
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, there is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To do what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Expectations Definition Revision
A degree of probability or expectation is how an event is meant to occur. Expectations are something set in stone and not to be led astray from. Whether that be someones religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood. Usually held by parent figures or those in charge, expectations rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error, if a mishap would occur, they can expect punishment for their wrongdoings. Leaving many behind in the process.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate,
with their careers and lives planned out for them before they even reach their senior year of college. Despite popular opinion, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside of these institutions, or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning in such an institution.Despite need a space their request to forgo the endeavor, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only wants the “best” for their child. Pushing the victim of sorts behind in their in pursuit of "success" and the american dream of white picket fences and settling down with a family.
This paragraph seems to flow a lot better now that you connected the fragments to sentences and I liked the detail you added! Great work!
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto as you continue to progress forward thorough adolescence and beyond. Whether or not you continue to believe in what they who is they? Parents? Family? People in charge? The church? are practicing in their religion or daily lives. Many of these traditions have been held on to for generations and do not always change with the times. For example, the catholic church and the use of contraception consider expanding this sentence just so the reader knows what you are jumping into. “For example, the catholic church (state their stance) use of contraception.” Or something like that. Currently it is a fragment that might cause readers to pause and wonder what it is doing there. Intercourse, in the eyes of Catholicism is sacred and a symbol for the bearing of a child. Therefore the prevention of birth is a sin, or against the churches ideals. With the birth rate on the rise and intercourse turning less and less meaningful, many people are leaning toward birth control. What are you to do in your religion if any prevention of child birth is taboo? If you are a "true" catholic, you would abstain from premarital sex.Examples need a space there! like these leave dated customs to be practiced by those who want to meet the expectations set but go against much of what they the traditions? The church? have to say.
You did a great job of adding detail about the issue so it is really clear to reader exactly what you are talking about.
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. Whether that be in a school setting, or a work place. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment of some sort,whether need a space! monetary or physical. So to avoid such an act, you would obey the commands of those in power. Leaving many with very little to convey do you mean convey? As in to carry or to bring? in the treatment of their everyday lives. (are you talking about students? Employees? Children? I still am not quite sure what you mean here and adding a more concrete example, like you have in the first two paragraphs, would strengthen this particular point) If a understanding of sorts where met between the situation, than any conflict or punishment could be avoided entirely. What kind of understanding? Between who exactly? How could these two people come together to make change? Changing the situation all together.
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, there is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To do what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Abe,
First, I want to acknowledge the work you have done over the course of these last couple of weeks. Go back and look at your first draft and compare it to this one! You’ve already grown as a writer in how you are able to explain and formulate an argument. Thank you so much for posting on time and being willing to do work on this piece. It has made my part of our partnership a lot of fun and helped me learn about how to respond as a reader.
I just had some final polishing comments, again trying to bring out a little more detail. I would encourage you to read your last draft aloud (and semi-slowly) to yourself to catch those pesky little word misuses, forgot a letter, need a space type mistakes. I focused on what you are trying to say more than grammar. Great work on this first essay! As always, comment if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Emily
Final Expectations Definition Essay
A degree of probability or expectation is how an event is meant to occur. Expectations are something set in stone and not to be led astray from. Whether that be someones religious beliefs, cultural values, or their future livelihood. Usually held by parent figures or those in charge, expectations rarely change over the course of their existence. Leaving little room for error, if a mishap would occur, they can expect punishment for their wrongdoings. Leaving many behind in the process.
An example is that of secondary education. Many high school students are expected to attend 4 year universities or colleges after they graduate,
with their careers and lives planned out for them before they even reach their senior year of college. Despite popular opinion, there is a slim margin in students for which college does not suit well. Whether they wish to pursue a technical career outside of these institutions, or they cannot achieve that level of higher learning in such an institution. Despite their request to forgo the endeavor, they are expected to attend by their caregiver who only want the “best” for their child. Pushing the victim of sorts behind in their in pursuit of "success" and the American dream of white picket fences and settling down with a family.
Cultural beliefs are expected to be held onto as you continue to progress forward thorough adolescence and beyond. Whether or not you continue to believe in what the people of the church are practicing in their religion and daily lives. Many of these traditions have been held on to for generations and do not always change with the times. For example, the catholic church and their stance against the use of contraception. Intercourse, in the eyes of Catholicism is sacred and a symbol for the bearing of a child. Therefore the prevention of birth is a sin, or against the churches ideals. With the birth rate on the rise and intercourse turning less and less meaningful, many people are leaning toward birth control. What are you to do in your religion if any prevention of child birth is taboo? If you are a "true" catholic, you would abstain from premarital sex. Examples like these leave dated customs to be practiced by those who want to meet the expectations set but go against much of what the parishioner has to say.
Behavior is always held to certain standards. We are all taught to act obedient to those in positions of power. Whether that be in a school setting, or a work place. If such an expectation was not met, you could expect punishment of some sort,whether it be monetary or physical. So to avoid such an act, you would obey the commands of those in power. Leaving employees, students and children alike with very little to know in the treatment of their everyday lives.For example, adults in the workplace are expected to possess a certain skill set. One in which would qualify his or her for the specified position. If one does not carry such an education or ability, then they may be fired or taken away from consideration for the job opportunity. Removing prospective employees high and dry for not fitting their idealistic criteria.
Expectations are going to continue to be set. Whether or not they are right is debatable by both sides. One thing is for sure, there is no guarantee they will be fulfilled. To do what is just is life’s true expectation. That is one task to truly uphold.
Reflection #1 (posted RHS February 20 -- 171 February 22)
The process in which we went from rough draft to finished product really helped me further the piece as a whole. I agree! I enjoyed reading your writing each time you revised as there was always a little more content and explanations (like the Catholicism example you detailed). I was just use to throwing together a hap hazard rough draft, making a few slight adjustments and turning it in. Now I feel as though I have a polished essay in which I am proud of. I hope we continue this form for the rest of the semester. In my expectations essay, I used quite a few allusions, which both help and hurt the writing. It helps by bringing evidence that backs the thesis and does not overwhelm the reader, but it hurts the reader because they don't get the full meaning in which the evidence is portraying. I also show the different connotations of expectations and how they pertain to ones everyday life. Lastly, I displayed a motif of pressures that are caused by expectations. These push the victim to their boiling points until they eventually blow. All of which is used to give an extended definition for expectations.
Abe, I am glad you seem to see the value in the process of revision and fine-tuning! Can't wait to start on that next essay!
Rough Draft Comparison (posted RHS February 24 -- 171 February 26 )
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure is an option. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goals. Leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence.
The blunders in life are what we learn from. These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be. Isn't that life's true expectation? Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace. They look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth. A goal we can all hope to attain.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage. Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit.
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person sees hundred of times in their lifetime, but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Expectations are always able to be surpassed by those willing to work for it. If only you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits.
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure is an option. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome. First you are saying failure is an option but then you say it is inevitable. Is failure something that happens to people? Or do people create their own failure? What is your definition of failure in this context? Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goals. How do expectations and failure each uniquely lead people down their path? Leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. Have you experienced failure? How did it affect your life and your expectations for yourself? Would your experience add anything to this point or help the reader understand what you are saying? For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence. What do you mean by ‘you live to reach the peak existence’? What is the peak existence? How do you reach it?
The blunders in life are what we learn from. These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be. How have you used a past failure to teach you? How has it shaped the way you make decisions? Isn't that life's true expectation? Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace. What exactly is the inner peace you are talking about? Being the best you can be? They look past the negative aspects (are you talking about failures here?) of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth. A goal we can all hope to attain.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. How? How does one move from failure to success? What does that look like in life? Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage. What do define as success? Why do you see Steve Jobs career as a success? Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit. How does the motivation behind your goals (betterment of the world), make things limitless (the sky is the limit)? What if people’s goals/expectations for themselves are selfish? Does that change their chance of success?
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person sees hundred of times in their lifetime, but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Expectations are always able to be surpassed by those willing to work for it. If only you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits. The sentence “Expectations are always able to be surpassed by those willing to work for it.” Seems like a really powerful summary of you paper because it speaks about expectations but pushes beyond what your paper talks about and brings in the idea of persevering through failures and surpassing expectations. This ending works for me as a reader because it sums up the whole paper and drives it a little bit beyond your main point with the idea of going beyond expectations.
Abe,
You seem to be talking about expectations and failures and as a result, success gets in the mix. This makes sense to me as I read because the direct opposite of failure is success but not meeting expectations is considered failure. I think the framework you have laid down so far is a good one because you have your arguments set up:
Paragraph 1. introduce failure
2. failure happens when you are working towards expectations
3. failure teaches you
4. failure does not mean that expectations won’t be achieved
5. perseverance is behind both meeting expectations and failures
I would encourage you to make sure your points in your second and third paragraphs are distinct from each other. As you continue revising and revisiting, I think they will become more distinct and will morph into two really different points. As it stands, they seem a little similar.
You have a great start to the paper. Continue to work as you did on your last paper and this will be polished in no time! As always, if you have any questions, post them!
Sincerely,
Emily
Revision Comparison (posted RHS March 2 -- 171 March 4)
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure can be averted. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome. It is something that one places on themselves. Whether they gave up all together, or were not able to meet the standard. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goal. Pushing our boundaries past our personal limits and leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence. In my daily life, failure is something that happens quite regularly, but nonetheless it helps me to learn and correct reoccurring mistakes. When my mistakes and failure push me farther than ever though possible, my peak existence is reached.
The blunders in life are what we learn from.These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be. My mistakes are only stepping stones for future success and self reliance. Isn't that life's true expectation? Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace.This self fulfillment is the point in one's life where the impact of their life's work is truly felt. They look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth. A goal we can all hope to attain.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. These milestones push you even farther in the pursuit of your dreams. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage.Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit.No longer do we live in a society who looks to benefit others rather than themselves. These are the true success stories, about the people who go beyond the call of duty to help people they may not even know. Whether or not they receive anything in return.
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person sees hundred of times in their lifetime,but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits.
Expectations are always able to be surpassed by those willing to work for it.
Emily's Comments Below!
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure can be averted. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome. It is something that one places on themselves. Whether they gave up all together, or were not able to meet the standard. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goal. Pushing our boundaries past our personal limits and leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
In response to your second sentence: an outcome of what?
I want to point out to you that there are several fragments/incomplete sentences in this paragraph. By joining them together, the paragraph might flow better for the reader. It seemed a bit choppy as I read through.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence. In my daily life, failure is something that happens quite regularly, but nonetheless it helps me to learn and correct reoccurring mistakes. When my mistakes and failure push me farther than ever thought possible, my peak existence is reached.
The rollercoaster analogy helped me understand what you mean by ‘peak existence’ a little more. When is a specific moment you have reached your ‘peak existence’? Telling/explaining that instance or moment might help the reader fully understand what you mean by it. For example, a peak existence, if we are talking rollercoasters, might be the place of calm before the storm. It might be the thrill of the pause before life really challenges you. I’m not sure if you are meaning it to be a peaceful place or an anxious one or one that is highly anticipated.
The blunders in life are what we learn from.These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be. My mistakes are only stepping stones for future success and self reliance. Isn't that life's true expectation? Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace.This self fulfillment is the point in one's life where the impact of their life's work is truly felt. They look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth. A goal we can all hope to attain.
In relation to drug addicts, what is ‘the best they can be’? Do all recovering addicts find this? When you say, ‘Isn’t that life’s true expectation?’ are you referring to learning from mistakes and using them as stepping stones to success?
I like the line ‘the impact of their life’s work is truly felt’- this seems to sum up what you are saying about how failures are just stops on the road to success or fulfilling expectations. I would stress that statement even more than you already do.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. These milestones push you even farther in the pursuit of your dreams. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage.Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit. No longer do we live in a society who looks to benefit others rather than themselves. These are the true success stories, about the people who go beyond the call of duty to help people they may not even know. Whether or not they receive anything in return.
When you say ‘no longer do we live in a society who looks to benefit others rather than themselves’ I am a bit confused. How does this fit in with expectations and failures? It seems a little bit random. Is that how you are defining going beyond expectations?
How did Steve Jobs go beyond the call of duty to help others? Why don’t you categorize him as just another millionaire? How do you see him as more successful than any other well-off business man?
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person sees hundred of times in their lifetime,but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits.
Expectations are always able to be surpassed by those willing to work for it
The paper seems to come to a screeching halt because the conclusion is so short. Think about expanding your points a little bit or summarizing what you have said just to change the pacing of the paper. Think about answering these questions as a possibility: What are the expectations for your life? How do you define success/failure for your life specifically? When was a time you failed and how did you learn from it to find success? Answering these personal questions somewhere in your paper might help the reader to get a better idea of where you are coming from and aid them in understanding your main points overall. By personalizing the paper a little bit more, you would help the reader connect to the paper more through real life examples so that they might think about their own experiences with expectations and failures.
As always, if you have any questions, please post them!
Final Comparison (posted RHS March 9 -- 171 March 11)
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure can be averted. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome in many of life's decisions. It is something that one places on themselves, whether they gave up all together, or were not able to meet the standard. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goal. Pushing our boundaries past our personal limits and leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence. That accomplishment that defines you for the rest of your life. In my daily life, failure is something that happens quite regularly, but nonetheless it helps me to learn and correct reoccurring mistakes. When my mistakes and failure push me farther than ever thought possible, my peak existence is reached.
The blunders in life are what we learn from.These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be as functioning members of society.My mistakes are only stepping stones for future success and self reliance, life's true expectation. Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace.This self fulfillment is the point in one's life where the impact of their life's work is truly felt. Where all of your achievements truly shine and gives you the feeling of accomplishment everyone longs for.They look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth, a goal we can all hope to attain.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. These milestones push you even farther in the pursuit of your dreams. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage.Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit.These are the true success stories, about the people who go above and beyond the call of duty to help benefit society in a way no one every has. Whether or not they receive anything in return.
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person experinces hundred of times in their life,but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits. Although my upbringing gave me a lot of oppurtunities, some people are not so lucky. They have to work twice as hard to overcome their daily obstacles, and assumptions that they hard held to.Despite all odds they are able to be surpass expectations because they are willing to work for it.
Abe- Because we haven't been able to conference and discuss your writing, I've tried to make up for that using recording software. If you click on this link it will take you to a video of your writing as the screen and my voice walking you through some points. I would appreciate it if you would watch it. It is approx 5 mins long. Here is the link!
http://screencast.com/t/S0soaWybesYi
Below are my final comments! If you have questions, please write back!
Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure can be averted. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome in many of life's decisions. It is something that one places on themselves, whether they gave up all together, or were not able to meet the standard. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goal. Pushing our boundaries past our personal limits and leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
What pushes our boundaries past personal limits?
There is no subject of that sentence so adding one will really help the reader clearly understand what you are talking about.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day. Whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence. Connect these two sentences for better flow and to make the ideas go together- show that you mean the second sentence to define peak existence. That accomplishment that defines you for the rest of your life. In my daily life, failure is something that happens quite regularly, but nonetheless it helps me to learn and correct reoccurring mistakes. When my mistakes and failure push me farther than ever thought possible, my peak existence is reached.
What is the peak existence you are trying to reach? Or have you already?
What reoccurring mistakes are you referring to?
The blunders in life are what we learn from.These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be as functioning members of society.My mistakes are only stepping stones for future success and self reliance, life's true expectation. Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace.This self fulfillment is the point in one's life where the impact of their life's work is truly felt. Connect these two sentences to make the ideas go together and flow better so the reader knows that you are describing self fulfillment- otherwise the second sentence does not have a subject. Where all of your achievements truly shine and gives you the feeling of accomplishment everyone longs for.They look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth, a goal we can all hope to attain. Who is ‘they’? I am confused here.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. These milestones push you even farther in the pursuit of your dreams. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage.Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking for the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit.These are the true success stories, about the people who go above and beyond the call of duty to help benefit society in a way no one every has. Whether or not they receive anything in return. What does receiving stuff in return have to do with your claim that even though people fail, they can find success?
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person experinces hundred of times in their life,but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything for you, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits. Although my upbringing gave me a lot of oppurtunities, some people are not so lucky. They have to work twice as hard to overcome their daily obstacles, and assumptions that they hard held to.Despite all odds they are able to be surpass expectations because they are willing to work for it. Who is the ‘they’ you are talking about here?
It is confusing to me because you switch from ‘you’ to ‘they’ in this paragraph. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘and assumptions that they hard held to.” Think about saying that in a different way or using an example to explain what you are trying to communicate to be more clear.
“Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits.” This sentence is a fragment because it is a prepositional phrase; it seems to be leading into something, like “. . . and continue to push the limits, will you find success.”
Abe,
As you finish this paper, I want you to think about writing fluently- writing in the same way you speak. Read the paper aloud to yourself and make sure to pause at the periods. You have a tendency to put periods where there should be commas which creates fragments. The fragments make the paper more difficult to understand because it separates ideas you meant to be connected and leaves the reader confused. This is something you can continue to work on and improve upon in order to prepare for the AP examination.
As you finish, think about this important overall point:
What examples can you share from you own experience to connect yourself to the ideas you discuss in order to build trust with the reader so they believe that you know what you are talking about?
Sincerely,
Emily
Emily,
I apologize for missing the last couple of meetings. I take my last two periods at Central Campus so it is hard to find a ride back in time to get to Drake. I will try my best to make them in the future and look forward to furthering my writing.
Thanks,
Abe
Final Expectations and Failure Comparison
Unlike expectations, which are set in stone, failure can be averted. Failure is something we all try to avoid on a daily basis but is an inevitable outcome in many of life's decisions. It is something that one places on themselves, whether they gave up all together, or were not able to meet the standard. Although expectations and failure are something no one looks forward, they help us learn from our mistakes and achieve our set goals. Expectations help to push our boundaries past our personal limits and leading each of us down our path towards future successes.
Expectations are goals in which we strive to achieve every day, whether they are set by ourselves or by the people around us. Both goals and failure are attainable but failure is not something one attempts to reach. It is a slip up of sorts, something that occurs by accident. For example, when a bank fails, they accidentally give away more money than they have. This example, much like life, has its ups and downs. A bank will have plenty of success with moments of hardships. Life is full of roller coaster moments, but you live to reach the peak existence, that accomplishment that defines you for the rest of your life. In my daily life, failure is something that happens quite regularly, but nonetheless it helps me to learn and correct reoccurring mistakes. For example, my swimming career here at Roosevelt. Although my skills may be lackluster compared to my state champion teammate, it helps to push me to drop time and work harder. Like Coach Teter says “the only person you are racing is yourself, you swim to the best of your ability and that is all I can ask for.” When my mistakes and failure push me farther than ever thought possible, my peak existence is reached.
The blunders in life are what we learn from.These moments of failure help to teach us not to repeat our past inadvertence. So we look towards our future expectations and what is to come. For example, recovering drug addicts learn from their past failures to become the best they can be as functioning members of society. My mistakes are only stepping stones for future success and self reliance, life's true expectation. Many religions like Buddhism seek this inner peace.This self fulfillment is the point where the impact of their life's work is truly felt, and all of your achievements truly shine and gives you the feeling of accomplishment everyone longs for. Buddhists look past the negative aspects of life in order to achieve true happiness and self worth, a goal we can all hope to attain.
Success isn't something you are just given. The path of success is lined by failure, you just have to keep going. These milestones push you even farther in the pursuit of your dreams. Look at Steve Jobs, although he died this past year, he succeeded in creating a multi billion dollar business out of a garage.Do you think his path was paved by those ahead of him? By no means, did he get anything handed to him on a silver platter. At one point, he was fired from his own company, but went on to branch out and was eventually hired again by Apple. If your goals or expectations are looking into the betterment of you and those around you, the sky is the limit.These are the true success stories, about the people who go above and beyond the call of duty to help benefit society in a way no one everhas. If you are passionate enough about a certain field, you will push the boundaries farther than you ever thought possible.
Both failure and expectations are common occurrences. Something the average person experiences hundred of times in their life,but not everyone has the perseverance to keep going. Life is not going to sugar coat anything, work ethic and will are going to push you further. Only if you are able to learn from your mistakes and continue to push the limits, will you find success. Although my upbringing gave me a lot of opportunities, some people are not so lucky. Those who may not had it so easy have to work twice as hard to overcome their daily obstacles, and assumptions they are held to.Despite all odds those with past failures are able to be surpass expectations because they are willing to work for it.
Reflection #2 (RHS March 16 -- 171 March 25)
This last essay was much different than the first. It forced me to look at opposing topics, which have very little in common, and compare and juxtapose the two ideas. It was quite difficult to begin, but as I got started it became more and more clear. These two ideas have a lot more in common than I thought! At the point this assignment became so much easier for me. I hope that it shows in my progression from rough to final draft.
Rough Draft Argument (posted RHS April 6 -- 171 April 8)
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what they wish to pursue in their future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein,Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after. Inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.
The worst culprit of these expectations set are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers eventually look around at their colleagues who much more successful than him, and decide that he wants his child to be as successful as him. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. Money is the option they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others.
What should be expected is that your child is passionate about, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. Just encourage them to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability.
The opposition of this argument would have to say that if a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. They brought you up as their child, and expect that their expectations are fulfilled no matter what you want. It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how you live your life. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to your parents for their choices of your future.
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push us forward enabling us to achieve our goal, but restraint should be practiced. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often bleak. Leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future.
Abe-
This time, I focused more on the structure- mostly sentence structure, rather than ideas/content and overall paper organization. I chose to do this because your ideas and content seem fairly developed and your organization makes a lot of sense. I want you to have the opportunity to refine and hone in on your sentences. That is why after each paragraph, I gave you really specific feedback. Hopefully, you will find this different style of feedback helpful to you.
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what they wish to pursue in their future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein,Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after. Inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.
Abe, I like the ideas you discuss in your first paragraph.
1-parents want what they see as ‘best’ for their child
2- children do not always agree with their parents’ wishes/desires for their future
3-children suffer because their parents are too over-bearing
I think now is the time to focus on sentence structure and present your ideas more clearly. I cannot quite tell who the subject is in your sentences. For example, the underlined sentence- This usually encompasses what they wish to pursue in their future, and whether or not they approve you are talking about the parents and their children- so using ‘they’ three times in the sentence makes it confusing for me to know who you are referring to with each ‘they’. Also note, your last line is not a complete sentence: Inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in. It does not have a subject. I think the implied subject is ‘parent’s but you need to include that somewhere to turn the fragment into a sentence.
The worst culprit of these expectations set are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers eventually look around at their colleagues who much more successful than him, and decide that he wants his child to be as successful as him. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. Money is the option they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others.
Again, strong ideas! Fathers want their children to be successful and for them that means being more successful than they are and making money. Now it is time to sort out the subject and simplify a bit to make the ideas clear and concise, which will strengthen the ideas you have here.
Sentence 1: Read your first sentence with the underlined section and without it. The worst culprit of these expectations set are the fathers of the offspring. Which one do you think more clearly communicates the idea? Or should the sentence be rearranged? ‘Culprit’ and ‘offspring’ are some great, strong words you have in this sentence. The sentence just seems a little ‘muddy’ in the middle, to me, and as a reader, I get a bit confused.
Sentence 2: Who is the ‘him’ at the end of this sentence? The colleagues? Or the father? Replace ‘him’ with a more specific noun.
Sentence 4: Your placement of the word ‘money’ is confusing to me as I read. I am not quite sure why you started the sentence with ‘money’ because it forces you to make ‘money’ the subject and then form a connector ‘is the option’ to parents and their children. Consider revising so that your sentence beings with ‘Parents’so that you can more clearly communicate what you are trying to say.
What should be expected is that your child is passionate about, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. Just encourage them to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability.
This is a really strong statement that refutes the idea that parents should have the power to make kids decisions. It really works well with the overall organization of the paper. One thing I want to point out, in your first sentence you say ‘your child’. This is the first time you use ‘your’. I would advise you to stick with saying ‘parents’ and ‘their’ children, rather than addressing the reader and insinuating that the reader has children, which may not be the case. Also, in this first sentence “What should be expected is that your child is passionate about, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do.” As a reader, I am curious: what should the child be passionate about? Their parents goals? Their own career aspirations? It seems that you are missing the noun that the child is passionate about- their career, their job, their work? In your last sentence: “Just encourage them to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability.” Again, you are speaking directly to the reader- “Just encourage them”. Make sure to stick to one point of view- avoid addressing the reader directly, as you have up until this point.
The opposition of this argument would have to say that if a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. They brought you up as their child, and expect that their expectations are fulfilled no matter what you want. It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how you live your life. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to your parents for their choices of your future.
Abe- again you revert to calling the reader ‘you’ but now the reader is not the parent of children- but the child. This further complicates the problem of how you are addressing the reader. Edit this paragraph so that it more closely matches the way you wrote your first and second paragraphs. Do not use the word ‘you’ to refer to the reader.
Sentence 1: I think this sentence would be clearer without the ‘if’. The word makes the reader expect something after the statement ‘if a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished’ but nothing follows.
Sentence 2: You use ‘expect that their expectations’ I would encourage you to not use variations of the same basic word twice in a sentence.
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push us forward enabling us to achieve our goal, but restraint should be practiced. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often bleak. Leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future.
Now, you are addressing the reader and yourself by using the word ‘us’. Keep yourself distanced from the paper and do not address the reader as ‘you’. Edit this paragraph to sound more like your first and second paragraphs. i.e.: “Parents’ expectations are to be assumed in order to push children forward enabling them to achieve parents’ goals for them, but restraint should be practice.”
I really like the style you used with your last three lines. Each gets shorter and shorter. The last line is a fragment, but I think in this case, it works with the shortening pattern you have and makes the paper end in a strong and clear statement.
Revision Argument (posted RHS April 13 -- 171 April 15)
Argument 2nd Draft
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what their child wish to pursue in the future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein, Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after, inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.
The worst culprits are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers eventually look around at their colleagues who much more successful than them, and decide that he wants his child to be as successful they are. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. For parents, money is the item they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others.
What should be expected is that the child is passionate about the field they are in, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. The child should be encouraged to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability.
The opposition of this argument would have to say that a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. Being brought up as their child, their expectations should be fulfilled no matter what you want. It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how their child is raised. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to your parents for their choices of your future.
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push forward in order to achieve our goal, but restraint should be practiced. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often bleak. Leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future.
Emily's Reply
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what their child wishes to pursue in the future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein, Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after, inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.
The worst culprits are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers eventually look around at their colleagues who much more successful than them, and decide that he wants his child to be as successful they are. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. For parents, money is the item they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others. Why do parents want their children to not have to worry about money? Why do they put pressure on their children to be successful financially?
What should be expected is that the child is passionate about the field they are in, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. The child should be encouraged to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability. Why is it important that a child enjoys their future career? Is enjoyment more important than financial success? Who says? Why?
The opposition of this argument would have to say that a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. Being brought up as their child, their expectations should be fulfilled no matter what you(the child) want(s). It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how their child is raised. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to your(the) parents for their choices of your(the child’s) future. In what circumstances should children thank their parents?
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push forward in order to achieve our* goal, but restraint should be practiced. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often bleak. Leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future. * who is 'our'?
Last paragraph:
- Sentence #1: You say ‘in order’ twice in this sentence. As a reader, I read it in chunks like this:
Some expectations are to be assumedin order to push forward
in order to achieve our goal
but restraint should be practiced.
It is a bit confusing. Think about how you could rephrase the sentence to remove one of you ‘in order’s and be a bit more clear.
Abe,
Firstly, I am very impressed with the way you polished the essay. It reads much more clearly now because of the changes you made to sentence structure. There is a flow in between sentences and phrases that was not there before: “The worst culprits are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers eventually look around at their colleagues who much more successful than them, and decide that he wants his child to be as successful they are.” This particular section is great because you have boiled down your point and said it simply but powerfully- each time there is a ‘him’, ‘them’, ‘his’, ‘their’, I know exactly who you are talking about which make it much easier to read and understand.
I think the next logical step for the paper is to work out the ‘you’ and ‘our’ that you use in the ending of the paper and to investigate your topic a bit more, especially at the end. You raise several strong claims at the end; I would encourage you to explore those claims a bit more (I posed some questions to you) to expand what you are saying and leave the reader with a very clear idea of why applying expectations to children can be damaging. This seems to be what the paper is about, but this question is never directly addressed, only talked about in the conclusion.
As always, if you have any questions/comments/concerns, write back. Have a great day!
Emily
Final Argument (posted RHS April 20 -- 171 April 23)
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what their child wishes to pursue in the future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein, Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after, inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.
The worst culprits are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers glance around at their colleagues who much more successful than them, and decide that he wants his child to replicate the same success. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. For parents, money is the item they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others. Money is an object almost everyone worries about, and more often than not wants more of. If their child has little to worry about in the way of monetary value, they will be able to focus on other more important things at hand.
What should be expected is that the child is passionate about the field they are in, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. The child should be encouraged to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability. Those who are given this freedom to make their own decisions, most often are more successful in their lifetimes.
The opposition of this argument would have to say that a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. Being brought up as their child, their expectations should be fulfilled no matter what the child wants. It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how their child is raised. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to the parents for their choices in their child's future. Obviously it was the parents who handed the child success on silver platter, just like everything else each and every parent gives to their child.
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push forward and achieve a goal, but restraint should be practiced. Freedom must be granted if one is expected to succeed later on in life, their parents are not always going to be there to look over their shoulder. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children, pushing the child to the limits they wished their parents pushed them to. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often dim with no other options for the child to pursue, leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future.
Emily's Edits
Quite often parents want the best for their children. They either try to instill the same ideals by which they were raised, or do their best to give their children a better life than they had. This usually encompasses what their child wishes to pursue in the future, and whether or not they approve. Aspirations are set high by the parents, regardless of the child’s choices in their future, they hope for their child to be the next Albert Einstein, Theodore Roosevelt, or Mozart. With such high expectations, the kids may be forced to adhere to something they don’t truly wish to go after, inevitably setting their child up to fail in a field they may not enjoy or have any skills in.
Think about your first sentence. “Quite often parents want the best for their children.” Could you remove words to make your point more quickly and concisely? What exactly do you mean by ‘future’? Career? Job? Or just their future life in general?
The worst culprits are the fathers of the offspring. Numerous fathers glance around at their colleagues who much more successful than them, and decide that he wants his child to replicate the same success. Occupations in the medical and law field are the most popular that parents force their child into. For parents, money is the item they want their children to not worry about as they continue to progress through their lives, and most often these fields bring in more money than others. Money is an object almost everyone worries about, and more often than not wants more of. If their child has little to worry about in the way of monetary value, they will be able to focus on other more important things at hand.
What is the point of your last sentence? Is it saying anything different from the other points you made in the previous sentences? Consider changing ‘monetary value’ to ‘income’ or ‘their bank account’ or just ‘money’. The phrase is a bit cumbersome and does not quite fit.
What should be expected is that the child is passionate about the field they are in, and willing to go to work day after day enjoying the things they do. If they enjoy law or the idea of a medical profession, then even better, but that should not be any different with other interests. If they want to be author or cartoonist, so be it. The child should be encouraged to, no matter what they do, fulfill it to their best ability. Those who are given this freedom to make their own decisions, most often are more successful in their lifetimes.
This paragraph is strong because it has a clear main point, there is not excess or confusing language, and you give examples like ‘medical profession’ ‘cartoonist’.
The opposition of this argument would have to say that a parent’s aspirations must be accomplished. Being brought up as their child, their expectations should be fulfilled no matter what the child wants. It was their ultimate decision to have a child, and it is their ultimate decision as to how their child is raised. Eventually, a “thanks” will be owed to the parents for their choices in their child's future. Obviously it was the parents who handed the child success on silver platter, just like everything else each and every parent gives to their child. This paragraph seems unfinished. It just stops. Incorporate your stance in a last sentence or two. Refute the opposition with your claim!
Some expectations are to be assumed in order to push forward and achieve a goal, but restraint should be practiced. Freedom must be granted if one is expected to succeed later on in life; their parents are not always going to be there to look over their shoulder. Too often parents try to live their life’s dreams through their children, pushing the child to the limits they wished their parents pushed them to. In the end, the outcome of that situation is quite often dim with no other options for the child to pursue, leading to an ultimate demise of their children’s future.
“Freedom must be granted if one is expected to succeed later on in life; their parents are not always going to be there to look over their shoulder.” I changed the punctuation in the middle from a comma to a semi colon. The phrases are complete sentences, so the comma was awkward. Because they are full sentences, but are connected, I used a semi colon. This is a judgement call. If you would prefer a period, that is perfectly acceptable. What do you mean by ‘ultimate demise’? It is vague.
Abe,
You should be proud of the work you have done. This draft was great because your organization is spot on, you provide examples for the reader, and your sentence structure makes sense. I can tell you worked hard to remove the ‘you’ or ‘we’ or ‘I’ that cropped up in the other draft. This draft is much improved by the constancy. I would love to see the final draft of this paper when it is done! I apologize for the late post and I hope I am in time to help you. As always, post with questions!
Emily
Reflection #3 (posted RHS April 23)
I really appreciate all the work you have done with me this semester! This essay is a very polished piece, something I will gladly turn in as my final product. That would not have occurred if it weren't for your help. I can't wait to see you once more this year, and I hope you have success with all of your endeavors.
Thank you! You should be proud of the work you have done! I think you are walking away with skills like the ability to write a clear and organized paper with precise language and you are able to be persuasive and argumentative. It has been great working with you; I certainly learned a lot through the program that will help me as a teacher. Good luck with the rest of the year!